Facets of self

Let’s be honest, dwelling in a world where extending kindness to ourselves is talked about often but rarely implemented has definitely plagued our perspective of what our self-treatment should be. For instance, think about all the aspects that come together to determine what and how you feel about your own self. Ideally, whether we like or dislike ourselves should only depend on, well, us. However, reality doesn’t always hand a glowing review and social media certainly pushes us to have unrealistic expectations of what we should be.

What is self-esteem?

While you might have heard numerous tales of the desirability of self-esteem, in which you even might have been a passionate participant, we are going to take a step back and unwind what you know about it. In psychological terminology, self-esteem is our personal perspective of self-worth, that comes from the degree of positivity that we attach to the qualities we have or don't have. The question is, though, where do our beliefs of desirable or undesirable traits come from? That’s right… other people. And they don’t even have to be people we know and trust.

The predicament here is that the concept of what characteristics are good and bad, isn’t even a one size fits all philosophy! What this means is that certain parts of you that you perceive as unlikeable, may actually be a cherished trait in another environment. The unfortunate part is that in trying to pursue the ‘becoming our best selves’ tag-race, we hardly stop to think where these ideas of self-esteem and worthiness that we’ve so readily absorbed are even coming from.

What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion is a psychological construct that endorses empathetic and warm treatment of oneself in the wake of facing adversity. What this means is treating yourself the same way you’d treat your best friend – showing up, backing them, caring deeply for their needs, and giving them a hug when needed. Self-compassion doesn't offer room to criticise or demean oneself, and it certainly does not rely on societal standards of worthiness.

Self-esteem vs self-compassion: which is healthier?

A sound way to address how self-esteem and self-compassion would manifest themselves is to simply consider how each would inspire you to think of yourself if you were to fail a test. Your self-esteem would take a hit and remind you of all the ways you’re inferior to others. Self-compassion would extend understanding, and probably remind you of all the reasons you were unable invest your utmost effort. Self-compassion would say, it’s okay, you’ll nail it next time friend.

Research on both these constructs also seems to strongly lean towards the ‘healthier’ approach of self-compassion. Self-esteem is definitely not an unfit entity to possess, but it’s too situational and too externally anchored to be reliable. Developing self-compassion, on the other hand, means that no matter what circumstances you might find yourself in, you’re not giving up on you.

How does one develop self-compassion?

Now that you know how essential self-compassion is for a fulfilling life, you can look below towards some pointers that can help foster it. It is a teachable trait.

Grant yourself forgiveness. The best way to embark on the journey of self-compassion is to start by letting yourself off the hook. Releasing all the pent-up guilt and blame that you’ve stored for yourself can open the doors of kindness and comfort.

Express gratitude frequently. While happiness is an entity that can't be chased, gratitude is never out of reach. Take a few moments every day to be grateful for what you have and who you are; this way, self-compassion won't be too far ahead.

Identify the growth process. When you look at everything from the lens of an opportunity for growth, no failure or adversity will overcome you. Rather, you’ll have a newfound compassion for yourself over all the new brave things you find yourself capable of.